babies on the brain

I am 24 years old. 24! How did that happen? It seems like just yesterday I was climbing hay stacks in my parent's barn and digging up worms to top off a mud pie. It's definitely been a fast 24 years, and there hasn't been much looking back. I've always kept a mental list of what's next. I seemed to have stayed focused and have checked everything off my to-do list up to this point, so what's next? 

Ah, I remember. The ever so popular topic, CHILDREN. Up until college, I couldn't wait to have kids. Many kids. But, somewhere along the way I became selfish. Selfish is a strong word, but it seems so fitting. I mean, I keep telling myself, "You can't do that when you have kids..." Just after our wedding everyone was telling us to take time for ourselves and to enjoy "this" time. Well, it seems that "this" time has passed. Now I'm being hounded to have babies by those who once told me to be selfish. What to do?

Many of my friends from high school and college have already begun bearing children, some with 3+ kids already. And that's great! They seem so happy. But sometimes I just want to scream from the top of my lungs, "I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW AND HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY!! LET ME ENJOY THIS!!" Why would I want to mess that up, right?

I know, I know... everyone is "ready" in their own time, and every once-in-a-while I get baby fever pretty bad. It usually subsides when I think of a summer spent out on the lake, camping with family and friends, and that trip to Vegas just around the corner (which, for better or worse, seems to be becoming an annual excursion). My husband has already given the green light to start trying for babies and is getting more and more excited to expand our small, yet perfect family of two. So, when will I know when I'm ready.

I've been going back-and-forth on the topic for a few months now. 

I think what I'm feeling is fear. Fear I won't be a good mom. Fear I won't be able to do it all. Fear I won't be as good as the other moms. Fear I won't be able to meet all their needs. Fear for what comes after children. I'll be old. There I go being all selfish again... Uh. Fear I'll be selfish. Deep down inside me, I hope there is a super mom just waiting to come out when the time comes. I am a bit of a planning perfectionist. Everything has a place and time, a when and where, a save the date, and comes with an owners manual. Um, can anyone tell me where I can get a personalized owner's manual for my own future children, please? I sure would love to start studying and memorizing it now.

I look at my life now and see the excitement, the fun, the balance, the happy-go-lucky attitude, and the simplicity. I love it, simple. We virtually do what we want, when we want, and it is absolutely glorious. Selfish, selfish, selfish. I know. Up until now, I've been ok with it. I know I truly want what's best for my future children, and I'm really excited to be a mom someday, but it's hard to imagine what life will be like.

A dear friend of mine, who recently and unexpectedly became a new mom, told me about a love greater than she could ever imagine that exists between her and her new daughter. Her husband, who was even less ready to be a dad in his own eyes, has repeated those words as well. They didn't want a baby right then and there, but now they wouldn't change it for the world. I must add, they are absolutely amazing parents! Will I be ready when I have to be ready? It also left me wondering, can I really feel more love than I feel right now? I've never loved another human like I love my husband, it brings me to tears to think about us being apart for little more than a day. How much more love can I experience?

I guess it's all up to God. How it always should be. I know He has a plan for me, but I feel like I often mess that plan up and make it into my own based on my wants and desires. I have faith He has not and will not ever give up on me, though. Keep on chipping at me, Lord, mold me into the person You want me to be, and open my eyes and heart to Your way. Whether I'm to be a mom in a year or in ten years, I'm excited for what God has planned. Ahh (sigh), there's that overwhelming peace that comes from knowing God is in control.

Right now, I'm working on being open to change...